I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
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