I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
