im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
