we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
