I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
