Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
you mean i was at the winter classic?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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