she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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