Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Randomize
