New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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