No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
