look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
