i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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