Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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