My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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