Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I looked at my own cervix.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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