1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize