i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
dude. I can hear the air.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize