sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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