I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
