Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
