I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
