Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
