she woke up with a sticky ear
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
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