I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Randomize
