I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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