I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
