you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Randomize
