Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
