Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Then you guys just all showered together...?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
