bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
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