Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
