I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
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