the condom got lost in my hair
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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