Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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