life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
