my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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