He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
