no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
