Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
