There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
