i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
