i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
