How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize