remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Randomize
