Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
