Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize