sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
