it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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