After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
