the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Randomize
