Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
