i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
