1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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