I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
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