did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
