Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Randomize
