just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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