We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
