I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
