WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
