is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
This baby is an asshole
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Randomize
