maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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