i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
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