you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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