no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
