tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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