Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
