it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
